1. Taran Killam was a heartthrob in a Disney Channel Original Movie
Taran Killam is the most generic white person to ever exist in the history of white people. He’s not ugly by any stretch of the imagination but just so instantly forgettable. That’s why he’s such a skilled impressionist: You barely ever see Taran Killam so it’s that much easier to see whoever he’s playing.
His inimitable blandness is what makes it so strange that Taran Killam starred as the object of teen girl’s affections in the Disney Channel Original Movie Stuck in the Suburbs. The actor does not fit the role. And the ridiculously dated, mid-2000s frosted tips he rocks in the film officially rob him of the right to make fun of anyone ever.
2. Chris Evans starred in Not Another Teen Movie
Not Another Teen Movie was built on having bland, forgettable stereotypes for characters, and it cast bland forgettable actors for the parts. Strangely enough, that description once fit a bright young Chris Evans. It’s weird watching one of the biggest stars in the world in such a stupid, cheaply made movie, but I’m glad the film exists if now we have footage of Captain America with a whip cream bikini and a banana sticking out of his ass.
3. Amy Schumer was a contestant on Last Comic Standing
Amy Schumer has become so ubiquitous that it’s hard to imagine a time when she wasn’t famous. Shockingly, though, the comedian actually worked REALLY hard to get to where she is. Her road to the top started with her competing on the NBC reality show Last Comic Standing, making her probably the most successful person to ever come from a reality TV show. (In your face, Elisabeth Hasselbeck.)
While it’s weird enough watching one of the biggest stars in the world compete in one of the worst competitions ever put on screen, what makes Schumer’s tenure on LCS so strange is that, like all reality show contestants, her personality on the show was carefully crafted in the editing room. She’s portrayed as the sweet, innocent ingenue that’s basically everything Schumer is rebelling against nowadays.
4. Nick Offerman had a small role in Sin City
Nick Offerman is Ron Swanson. Ron Swanson is Nick Offerman. There are very few actors who have so completely filled a role to the point that it’s impossible to ever see them as anything else. He could put on 10 pounds of green make-up for a sci-fi movie, and he’d still look like he belongs back in Pawnee.
Of all of Offerman’s pre-Ron roles, none are so jarring as his brief turn in Sin City. Not only is he dressed like a gay leather daddy, complete with bleach blonde hair, but he’s also immediately killed by Bruce Willis. Ron Swanson would never pull bullshit like that.
5. Adam Scott got a very graphic Handy-J on an HBO show
Tell Me You Love Me is notable for two things:
1) It featured a shit ton of graphic sex scenes.
2) It starred a young Adam Scott, who participated in many of the aforementioned graphic sex scenes.
Don’t get me wrong, Adam Scott is a good looking dude, but he’s not a sex symbol. As an actor, he’s always felt more like a cool best friend, and as we all know, it’s really weird to watch your friends having sex. As a result, some of the scenes in Tell Me You Love Me feel awkward in a post-Parks and Rec world. The worst of these involves Mr. Scott receiving a very shadowy hand job from his wife on a couch. No way in hell am I allowed to post the clip here but know this: If you’ve ever wondered what it looks like when Ben Wyatt ejaculates, the footage is a quick google away.