The Free DVD nut has a manic glow in their eyes. They have watched forty episodes of Scandal since Friday. They have never checked out an actual book from the library. Their entire wardrobe consists of pajamas. Their diet subsists of popcorn and diet coke. They often check out DVDs they have no intention of watching, “just for the rush.” They have gone through three roommates since orientation, but really resent being called anti-social.
The Sleeper is well intentioned. They show up to the library with a stack of books three feet high, and a cup of coffee just as towering. They play the “stay awake” mix on their iPhone. They smack themselves in the face, just to keep alert. But no matter what they do, they end up face down in their books, a warning to other students, and a martyr for the cause. Watch closely, and you’ll see that they wake up once or twice an hour, only to start reading and fall asleep all over again.
Note: Sometimes the sleeper is a tired drunk kid that lost their ID card somewhere on the quad.
The Stack Hermit is a very serious, very angry student. They are pre-med, pre-law, or Asian. They burrow into the stacks, they choose a very particular desk, and they chase visitors away at all costs, aggressively muttering to themselves as they study. They say things like “This is my spot, sorry.” And “Could you…” And “STAY THE FUCK AWAY.” Stack Hermits are famously unconventional in everything they do. They often study with neither shoes nor socks on, and they usually have weird toes. They snack on roots and berries. They hiss when threatened, or sometimes just for fun, and are famous for their habit of studying so much they lose sight in one or both eyes.
The Social Butterfly is like the girl who wears workout clothes just to go drink smoothies at the gym. The Social Butterfly goes to the library to see and be seen. She brings all her study stuff, but to her they’re just props, because she has no intention of actually doing work. She sticks to the big, comfy chairs, where she texts, posts on Instagram (#LibrarySelfie) or watches videos on YouTube.
Note: The Stack Hermit and the Social Butterfly are natural enemies. They rarely cross paths in the wild, but when they do, it’s best to be as far away as possible.
If pressed, the Mean Librarian would describe herself as “organized,” “friendly,” and “not too stern.” But don’t be fooled, the Mean Librarian is not a myth. You will know her by her age (she’s old), her hair (it’s gray), and her ability to make you feel insignificant with barely a glance. The Mean Librarian has memorized library policy. She considers herself a protector of all knowledge. And she scorns all those who do not honor her austere position with appropriate deference and respect. When dealing with the Mean Librarian, it is best to avoid eye contact, smile, and be as friendly as possible. Do not attempt to harm the mean librarian. She is indestructible, and will emerge stronger than ever before.
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