Missing out on all of the cool, fun, Halloween parties back at school while you are stuck living with your parents? Your first non-collegiate Halloween in four (five, or six) years doesn’t have to be a somber occasion! Come! Follow me on a tour of your hometown that will reveal the unsettling aspects of the locations you once thought familiar!
1. The Convenience Store that Doesn’t Card
Acceptably shady by day, the convenience store that doesn’t card transforms into a fiendish feeding ground for the undead once moonlight strikes the Milwaukee’s Best Ice poster in its front window. Drawn by cars full of Four Loko-seeking high school students, the crackhead hoard will fill the parking lot, clawing at car windows and demanding ever decreasing amounts of money from the terrified teens until the first rays of dawn appear (or until they get five dollars). On full moon nights, bad amateur rappers will emerge from the underground in order to sell particularly ghoulish mix tapes. The price? Your mortal soul!
Or five dollars…
2. The Shitty Bar with Cheap Beer
Nobody knows how this bar became cursed or why it only seems to affect kids who peaked in high school, but the horrors contained within are sure to make even the most unemployable graduate start sending resumes to far away cities. Bewitched into believing that their pasts were neither shameful nor boring, these lost souls are doomed to repeat decade-old stories and drink Natty light for all eternity, or at least until they have kids. Once their kids are in college (or rehab), they will return to the same bar to relive the good times that never were!
3. The Family Dinner Table
Amidst the candlelight (from mom’s new votives) and screeching melodies of Kenny G’s haunted saxophone, your parents call upon you to perform a harrowing fortune telling ritual! Like all psychics, you will grasp at small pieces of truth in order to fabricate a fictional future full of success, health, and romance. But the future you are lying about will be your own! Blame a temporary industry slump for your unemployment and avoid mentioning that you only send out one resume per week. If you pull it off, your parents will feign approval of your decision to major in experimental poetry, a decision that cost them five years of out of state tuition. Now that’s a scary story!
4. The Stoner Hangout Spot in your Neighborhood
Once an oasis for you and your shit-head stoner friends, this hobo hideout/blunt smokaz HQ is now a hangout for… Your younger brother and HIS shit-head stoner friends! Be careful that you do not cross paths with him, as this could cause a break in the space-time continuum that would result in you feeling like a bad influence, especially if you need to buy weed from him. And really, watch out for homeless people.
5. Catholic Church
For those of you unlucky enough to be born into this ancient blood cult, your weekends will be irrevocably tainted by a mysterious ceremony that occurs during the most ungodly hours of Sunday morning. After being driven from your bed by your parent’s pleas and the inexplicable guilt that accompanies them, you will be transported to a cavernous hall full of organ music where a cloaked mystic will address you in a long dead language and force you to consume the flesh and blood of an ancient demigod. Lets hope you’re not hung-over, because this ceremony lasts three hours!
Legend tells of a fearsome nocturnal beast that preys upon wayward travelers returning from the local pub. The DUI cop lurks in dark stretches of roads with obscenely low speed limits. There, he sets his trap and lies in wait for unsuspecting motorists, who are more often than not the same handful of guys from The Shitty Bar with Cheap Beer. Your parents will warn you night after night about this monster, but when the bar lights turn on for last call, you will always be totally sober and end up driving home anyway… Just like he wants you to do! The DUI cop wields supreme power and can cast an extremely expensive and inconvenient curse upon you for the rest of your life. His only weakness is a lawyer who is good friends with the District Attorney that will charge a small fortune to show up in court for fifteen minutes. Either way you will end up boooooo-roke!